I still believe…

You don’t need me to tell you that Christmas isn’t all about the presents. But this time last week, there were almost no presents to be found in this household! In fact a frantic weekend was to be had of what can only be described as a spree of haphazard panic shopping. Besides a big dose of late preparation, what else could fuel such an event than a presence of the Covid in the family nine days before Christmas. Not just one dollop but two. So it goes to reason that the chances of more out of the five of us could catch it was highly possible.

The ease of online shopping obviously helps. Plus the generous offer from friends to help pick up groceries for Christmas dinner after I realised the only Christmas dinner contribution I had at that point was some cranberries. Essential definitely. But rather redundant without a side of something to go with it.

So as each morning passed with a negative result from both Husband and myself, we got one step closer to being Christmas ready. But whilst there would be presents on Christmas morning and Christmas dinner at some point later that day, and getting all these things ready is part of the fun and tradition of this festive season, the shine was rather lacklustre.

Perhaps largely due to impact of the Covid symptoms, #1, 2 and 3 were less than forthcoming with a Christmas wish list, let alone writing a letter to Father Christmas. Especially for #3 who wouldn’t be able to take her own letter to the postbox. It’s enough to make your heart sigh, wondering if this is when you stop believing in the magic because with those days of isolation and testing, there could be no guarantee that any plans you wanted to make would actually happen. And if anyone needed to be an Elf this year, I certainly knew of a couple who could do with that kind of sparkle.

Christmas is a feeling. Of warmth and joy at parties with friends, reunions with family, walks in the cold to get a hot chocolate whilst being surrounded by pretty twinkling lights. Nine days may not seem like a long time but it can feel like a long time when you’re a young child and one of the most exciting, magical times of the year is happening outside and you want to be part of it. And so, as luck and chance would have it, it’s Christmas Eve and all test negative so we can get outdoors to enjoy the cold fresh air together with family for hot chocolate and red wine, a visit to see Father Christmas pop down a chimney and Elves teaching you Elfy stuff, an evening of getting properly Christmas Day ready with food out for the reindeer, magic dust and a poem to unleash the power of Christmas everywhere.

This Christmas Eve, I cannot be more thankful that we got to do everything we wanted to share some hope, joy and fun and see big happy smiles and restore some of the excitement that being a child at Christmas is all about. And I can honestly say that I still do believe in the magic of Christmas.

Perhaps this will also remind me to get myself more organised earlier next year. Well, that would be too much of a Christmas miracle!

Merry Christmas Eve to you and yours. x

• 

A different Christmas season

It is certainly a very different Christmas this year with pared back but no less meaningful festive trimmings. Christmas lights have been hung up since early November, a bit too early in any other year, rather heart warming in this one. A giant Elf has been doing the rounds in our home town, popping up in different daily locations, getting local businesses involved to spread festive cheer. A dazzling Santa’s post box appeared and even though #1, 2 and 3 sent separate letters, they received one single reply to all of them. Would it even be possible to visit Father Christmas this year? Turns out there are creative geniuses thinking up ways to keep the spirit of Christmas alive and well during these strange times. And I for one, am most pleased that I have been to see a Rocking Santa. I’m not quite sure what #1, 2 and 3 really made of him but why ever not!

After nine months of online meetings that can seriously drag, I’ve just discovered that adding a bottle of bubbles and some Warnicks can suddenly make four hours go by. Time doesn’t just move faster in the depths of some public house it appears. It’s certainly not how we would want to spent this time of year. A time for social gatherings, eating and drinking and being very merry. I’ve missed all that. The joy of putting on something sparkly and being out after dark is just so decadent. Also I have missed the joy of planning family gatherings and get togethers with friends to do more of the eating and drinking and being very merry. The need to keep cupboards full for impromptu guests and afternoon drinks that linger into the late evening, just in case. The cupboards are still full and if the festive booze gets whittled down then it’s quite obvious where it’s gone this year!

I still can’t figure out why Christmas has been one big rush with all the usual festivities more or less cancelled. I’ve got a few things to wrap up after writing this. Maybes it’s because I do things like quadruple the Christmas baking instead of just doubling it and wondering why the pastry is just rolling and rolling out so that I’ve ended up with an assortment of 55 tarts!

Pandemic or no pandemic, Christmas Eve is the domain of excited children anticipating something magical is about to happen. I really felt quite emotional as they went about the business of getting Christmas ready. The reindeer food, the drinks and snacks for Father Christmas and a little note to thank him for his visit. This evening we read The Polar Express which is one of my favourite Christmas books. Partly because we have the audio CD and when #1 was much younger, we’d listen to it in the car regardless of the season. Partly because I do still believe. And as much as this year has been exhausting, for us and for the children, and how daily it feels like what we can and can’t do is ever changing and not always in our favour, I am looking forward to joyful moments with my family and working out how we can see our family and friends in the ways that we can. I’m looking forward to taking a few days to step back, as we look ahead to a brighter new year. However you may be celebrating, I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a belief that we will be sparkling together with a full glass in hand not too far away. xx

Six hours of single focus time

Some of you have already experienced that joyous Back to School feeling and by Thursday morning that will be me too. All three will finally be back to school after five months and 20 days in total. The question now is not whether they will go back to school but how long will they stay in school for. However, let’s not dwell on that for too long and take the shine off a whole SIX HOURS of single focus time. I can’t call it free time as I still have to work, but imagine being able to hold a train of thought, carry it through to a full sentence, a paragraph even, that will get written down without it being interrupted by a yell of ‘Mummy, where are you?’. That will be a work goal achievement.

Come Friday though, I’m going to sit in my house and enjoy the silence, all by myself (because I’m going to send Husband to his office.) I’m not going to tidy up, do laundry, vacuum, declutter or prepare dinner. Not for this first Friday at least. I’m going to enjoy sitting down and I might even have an afternoon nap. Maybe after a few weeks, I might even contemplate using my newly appreciated ‘free’ time and think about doing some of the things that was suggested at the beginning of lock down. When we were encouraged to view this fallow period as an opportunity to grow. The only things that have grown are an expanding waistline, the laundry pile and a short fuse.

Ah. The short fuse. Forever present during normal times let alone having to live all parts of your life at the same time, in the same space. Working, home schooling, household jobs, socialising. I felt like I was living Julia Donaldson’s book A Squash and a Squeeze. You thought before was busy? Try everything altogether. Then you might rethink things. I do. Even today, the last day before slowly filtering them all off to school has not been the zen like day of reflection I envisaged. Four and a half hours of Zoom calls worked around a supermarket dash for packed lunch supplies and a final school uniform check. Throw in a bit of cajoling of #1 to finish off some more ‘bridging work’ set two months ago, and a request for #2 and #3 to tidy up their bedrooms being met with indifference (again), just peppered the day with a bit too much volume. Mostly from me. Sigh.

Speaking for myself, I couldn’t sustain a good balance of homeworking whilst homeschooling. It would just lead to more of the above. No matter how I tried to get organised (big massive box of snacks left out on the kitchen counter), or set boundaries (do not enter if the door is closed and you can hear unfamiliar voices coming out of the laptop), or worked even more ‘flexibly’. I just find it impossible. And the stress of the early days of lock down, of trying to work normal working hours and be very present, whilst trying to make it all seem not very unusual at all for #1, 2 and 3. I think back to just a few months ago and wish I hadn’t put that pressure on myself and to accept more readily that I clearly wouldn’t be able to work at the same capacity. The ironic thing is that when I first started Gainful Employment again, my concern was how would I get through the school holidays? Turns out, I got much more work done during the holidays without home schooling than when they were ‘in school’. And remember those discussions we had on how long this year’s summer holidays were at seven weeks and three days compared to the more doable six weeks and two days? Well I think we can all just now go fnar to that.

So definitely, these children need to be back to school where they can be the children that I’ve read about in their school reports. The Mummy Magic that makes wonderful things happen, just doesn’t seem to extend to the more useful practical things like getting #1, 2 and 3 to do something I ask for the second time I’ve asked. First time is being far too ambitious. If I was granted super powers, I’d ask for the authority of a teacher please.

I know that they’re ready for school. They’ve been ready ever since they realised they wouldn’t be able to hang out with their friends every day when first told schools were closing. Yay, no school! But you also can’t see your friends. Oh. That was so tough. My heart will remember how they felt at that moment, long after they do I hope. But right now, things have changed again and they have been able to play with friends the whole summer and see family. It really is time that they went back to school where they are the bright, inquisitive and polite young people their teachers are shaping them up to be. It may work a bit differently to how it did six months ago but I don’t think any of them will be phased by it because they love their school and they trust their teachers.

So, after all this and all the times I’ve said that I’m so tired from all the juggling, the late nights, the lack of structure, the bickering, the amount of time spent on food preparation, that I now say out loud how I will miss them when they are all back to school. I know. I also know that they will find this hard to believe after hearing me say on more than one occasions recently that I think they’re ready to go back and I am ready for them to go back and all the wonderful things I’ll get to do again. Like sit and have a coffee somewhere with other grown ups. Or have lunch on a Friday, (as suggested by their Godparent) and have not one but two glasses of wine at lunchtime because pick up isn’t until 3.30pm in the new world and that extended 15 mins just seems to give you so much more time to contemplate a second glass.

There’s a big part of me that is thankful, #1, 2 and 3 are just the right age to still enjoy our company and go on all the walks and outdoor excursions without too much resistance. For us and perhaps for them even, they will have lasting memories of the things that we did do and the places we went to that we otherwise wouldn’t have done these past five and a half months. I hope that as the days and weekends fill up again, that we find time to continue doing some of these things still.

As the children begin each new school year, they’re moving on up and embarking on a whole new adventure that we ourselves went on. The feeling of ‘I can’t wait until when I’m older, I get to do this all by myself.’ It’s exciting for them and daunting too as they move a little bit further away from where you are as the centre of their world. I know this is exactly how it should be. Especially as #1 starts high school and wanders off in his school tie and slightly too big blazer that must last two years and smart shoes. With lock down, it gave us this extra time we had with them all, it’s a feeling not too dissimilar to the time before we waved them off on their very first day of school. You’ve had them all day every day for years and you can’t wait for them to start school so you can have just a bit of time to do something else even if you don’t know what that something else is! You just want to have the possibility of doing something else all by yourself. And you know it’s going to be great, but you can’t quite believe it’s going to happen and still it takes a while to get used to. That’s how it feels.

It has been hard work, frustrating and at times looooong, so long. It will be strange adjusting back to a more ‘normal’ routine. How quiet the house will feel. But I’m sure it won’t be long before SIX HOURS of single focus time won’t feel long enough. Enjoy yours.

School shoes by the front door

It feels such a long time ago that murmurings of nationwide school closures were about to hit. It seemed inevitable considering the same measures had been taken elsewhere in other countries ahead of the UK in terms of Covid-19 spread. The idea of schools closing seemed unbelievable and very daunting that something so fundamental to the fabric of our everyday, normal lives should take this turn.

At the same time, discussions at my place of work of possible office closure and home working for everyone who could, were going ahead. I already home work two days a week but that’s with the support of school taking care of two thirds of the working day and filling in a few hours elsewhere was manageable. The weight of pressure fell imminently, imagining how and when work would happen with #1, 2 and 3 at home all the time. What would my team think about how much work I was going to achieve? Would they think I was slacking off every day?

The fact that we were in the midst of a global pandemic and perhaps there may be some level of dispensation didn’t quite cross my mind at the time. We get paid to do a job on the understanding that in exchange we do that job and the guilt of not being able to do that job well because we all have to StayAtHome didn’t really sink in for a while. Of course I still want to do my job well but how I manage to do that now we are 12 weeks in, has changed shape. As has being realistic with myself on what can be reasonably achieved. And the pressure to work at the same level of productivity was entirely generated from my own sense of responsibility (because I get paid for it), and nothing to do with any pressure issued from my place of work who have been nothing less than supportive.

Trying to put any boundaries in place for homeschooling to work harmoniously alongside home working has been impossible. In the first few weeks, if I were on a work Zoom call, a child might realise that Mummy’s on a work call and slip away quietly. Or they might feel a bit curious and come and look at all my Team on screen, give a wave and slip away quietly. But quite quickly they became used to this intrusion on their daily home lives and showed less and less concern for the work zoom call. And clearly, giving instructions that if the door is closed, it means I’m on a call and DO NOT DISTURB had zero meaning. What they actually heard was ‘if the door is closed just open it and hover. If hovering doesn’t work then feel free to ask what alternative snacks can you have’. Because that’s basically the most frequently asked question of the day. Even though the jumbo sized treasure chest of snacks is right there on the kitchen counter. I recently had #1, 2 and 3 make an appearance during one half hour call, all asking for snacks.

So just from that, how well do you think my homeschooling charges respect my homeschooling authority? Firstly, understanding the work would be helpful. Luckily for me, #3  has video links to most of her lessons that give me a heads up before we attempt the actual work. Just on Friday, I was sat helping #2 with her Maths challenge and she decided that she wasn’t going to attempt one of the questions because it was too hard. Which was quite a relief for me too as I have to admit the answer didn’t come naturally to me either, so I’m going to quietly give it a go after I’ve written this just to prove a point to myself, and maybes to Husband who clearly does get it.

Speaking to other parents, homeschooling provision has varied for each of us. We are fortunate that all KS2 children in our school has access to a school iPad. Slightly controversial decision at the time of launch but the benefits of which cannot be denied in the midst of this new era of homeschooling. So as such, #1 and 2 have been guided very well with a scheduled timetable and daily online lessons for Maths and English plus a weekly class social. To be honest, #1 and 2 have been very self reliant on organising themselves for homeschooling.

#2 though. Well. I look back on these past 12 weeks and I know my report as a homeschooling teacher would definitely read ‘tries to rush through the work but could improve with more dedication and patience’. I don’t know how long she’s had me hoodwinked but it all began with ‘Mummy, I’ll wear headphones to listen to the instructions on the videos  so I don’t disturb your work.’ Brilliant I thought. Little did I know that after ten minutes of school video, the rest of the time she was watching My Little Pony videos.

There will never be a balance between concentrating on my own work and helping #1, 2 and 3 with theirs in the same daylight hours. I am switching between parent, caterer, employee and home teacher all at the same time. This brings multi tasking to a level beyond my ability and that has led to many instances of frustration at a situation that is unreasonable as we try to make it reasonable.

As the weeks have turned into months, we have come to an unspoken agreement that we will try our hand at all given tasks but on some days, things just won’t work out and we will all be ok with that. Instead, on random days perhaps I will finish trying to work a bit earlier and also give myself a break. Enjoy the sunshine when it appears. Take time away from the home.

Home schooling has been brilliant for coming up with quiz questions which I’ve tried out on both my colleagues and friends. As an example:

• How did long did the Trojan War last for?
• Who were the brothers of Zeus?
• What’s the most poisonous animal in the world?

For us, there are only five more weeks of the academic school year left. And these weeks will whizz by, which has been surprising to find out during this time of lockdown, where we thought we would have less activity to occupy our time. It will be a very different kind of end of school year feeling. No Sports Days. No schools shows. No end of school year school Mums outing.

And this year, for #1 coming to the end of his primary school career, there will be none of the usual planned celebrations this would involve. I would have loved knowing what role #1 could have had in the Year 6 Leavers Show, I would be shedding tears at the Year  6 Leavers Assembly and I would be feeling that tug in my heart as we prepare these Year 6 children for high school. But I don’t feel this is as much of a loss as it is for those who should have completed their A-levels or in their final year at University. The end of an era for them is much more significant..

But as you all know, in this ever changing world, just as you get used to one thing, something else happens. And so after 11 weeks and 3 days of homeschooling, #1 returned to proper school last week. The decision whether he would return wasn’t one that came easily as we contemplated a number of factors around enabling the family to StaySafe, and deciding what that means for us. Ultimately the decision was taken jointly with #1, as we all don’t know what this new school life would look like and he is the one we are sending out into the world on his own as the rest of us StayAtHome.

As we walked to school, I realised that not since he was five years old, have I taken just #1 to school on his own. He has been used to walking to school with his friends for over a year and if not there would #2 and 3 alongside him. It is a rare opportunity to have these moments when in our other world, we would be doing more to encourage greater independence. I watched him from over the road as he walked through the gates on his own, I exhaled the nervousness I felt probably more so than him and that was that. By the time I finished chatting to a few parents I hadn’t seen in months and picked up a few groceries, a sound I haven’t heard in a long while could be heard from the direction of school. The sound of children of playing together.

As it turns out, school, no matter how it works, is still school. A familiar place. A place where you know there are rules to be followed respectfully. Perhaps most of all, a place where your friends are. It has never been more apparent to me, the value of an education not just in terms of learning but also for the social richness of having a network of peers around you. No matter how much you try and involve yourself in their world of play, you will never have the time, capacity or interest to dissect their topic of interest to the nth degree. That’s what their friends are for.

I do feel for those parents who don’t have the choice of whether their school aged children can go back to school or not. The thought of five more weeks of school on top of the twelve already past, plus another six or seven weeks of school holidays is enough to weaken the knees of the most ardent optimist inside us all. Whilst initially apprehensive, I am thankful that #1 is back to school, I can see that he will gain a lot from it and doesn’t seem fazed by the new system but has noticed the better quality hand soap and softer, more absorbent hand towels.

It doesn’t give me any more time for my own home working but it does make a difference in easing the relentless demands for food administration and refereeing of home dynamics. As we move into a new school/working week I will no doubt make the same promises of increased productivity whilst home working and lower levels of noise pollution whilst home schooling. Let’s see how long that lasts for.

Just one pair of well worn school shoes are waiting by our front door ready for school tomorrow, I wonder when the other two pairs will join them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep your distance

Overnight we went from feeling comfortable with sitting next to each other, to a distance away that you would usually only keep if you were in a hurry to get away from someone you didn’t really want to stay and chat to.

It feels quite unnatural, but not impossible, to keep a 2 meter radius around me. For future reference, I think my preferred distance is about 35 to 50cm depending on how well I know you. It is quite cumbersome to hold conversations with people which are now no longer private as everyone is privy to your business. I’m probably only catching half of what you’re saying to me so if its important, best follow it up with a text.

This first week has been experimental to see how we will adapt to our new routine. I had no expectations of myself or anyone else to get through it without some form of raised voice discussion at regular intervals. There is home schooling to think of, Gainful Employment to think of, extra meals to think of, health and well being of everyone we know to think of, not just here but in many parts of the globe. It’s an odd thing to realise that everyone I know anywhere, is affected by this pandemic. It’s just bizarre and surreal.

It is enough to get through the day with #1, 2 and 3 up and ready for home learning. As the new ‘teacher’ I must admit that my role has been made so much easier by the real teachers who have worked exceptionally hard with producing a weekly structure of lesson planning for each year group. #1 and 2 have two online lessons in the morning for English and Maths and an afternoon do it yourself session that covers Science, IT, PE, and general topic. For this first week, #1 and 2 have thankfully shown no resistance to getting on with the school schedule. #3 is a slightly different matter and we have ended the week sharing co-working space where she gets on with her work and I get on with mine at the same desk. In terms of productivity, she is definitely doing much better in contributing to output per capita than I am, having finished at least two pieces of work before I’ve even finished my daily morning video call.

It is a challenge finding the focus to complete my own work during daylight hours and being pulled between role as parent and responsible co-worker in a matter of seconds. To think for the past four months, a normal working from home day felt like a juggle switching swiftly between two roles during school hours and after school hours. Having to do it at the very same time is quite something else. I am trying to be as productive as I can but I barely got started and I am hopeful next week will create a different rhythm for all of us. To be honest, all of us in my team are finding our feet with remote working and there is no such thing as whether you will find it more or less easier with or without young children thrown into the mix.

It is interesting to see just how much #1, 2 and 3 value going to school and the routine and social aspects of school. Some days may run more smoothly than others and what I know of this time is only what they choose to tell at the end of each day. Usually it’s been ‘good’ is the extent I get when asking them how was their day. It is a relief that they do enjoy going to school. The flip side is how much they currently miss it. The social fabric of school has been taken away from them quite suddenly and it took a few days for all of them to realise that there would be no casual meet ups and play dates going on during this time. There was no easy way to say this and that changed the initial excitement of bringing home the iPads for home learning.

In this past week, we have had big angry bursts of frustration, we’ve had tears, we’ve had memories of losing other family members resurface as talk of saving lives dominates the news. I fully expected some parts of this but not others. Attempting to calm, reassure and soothe the emotions of young children without Covid-19 looming everywhere is challenging enough. This is an unknown entity. How best to navigate it?

The responsibility of Gainful Employment and home schooling is important. But right now, it’s more important to look after yourself and those around you. What is it that I can do that will help them and others get through this day. Like I said earlier, this week was experimental to see what parts worked well and what needs to change a bit next week. I think the reality of what we’re about to embark upon hasn’t quite sunk in.  I’ve been responding to change as it happens and thinking ahead of what needs doing. Trying hard not to think that far ahead and speculate that this could possibly be for the next few months.

In this strange time of social distancing, I am thankful that I have Husband and #1, 2 and 3 bustling around. Filling the house with noise, even if sometimes it’s not the right kind of noise, and being able to have the warmth of a hug and sit close to each other. This first week has been quite full on and I haven’t had opportunity to think about all the lovely things that have been suggested we could do with more time on our hands. It is a start though, that there’s been more time to listen to #3 read aloud her first chapter book and to sit and finally start building that Lego set with #1 and to ride a bike with #2. To eat every meal together and to have this time as disparate as it may be.

Take each day slowly. Together, we will help each other through this with love, humour and the best support we can be.

 

A new Father’s Day tradition

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like writing without it feeling like a chore but I’ve snorted out loud so much this evening that I’m going to put it here.

It’s Father’s Day today and it occurred to me a few days ago that I won’t be sending a card or making a Father’s Day call. It’s the things that you no longer have to do that get to you the most. I could feel it lingering. That feeling that makes you exhale deeply before you go on to do the next thing. I miss my Dad, Mr Li which is nothing new and of course special occasions can feel bittersweet.

But I have #1, 2 and 3 who love their Daddy (except when they’re angry with him over the wrong shaped toast, not having socks ready in the mornings or just because they feel like it), and to show their affection, Father’s Day breakfast in our household is a Bacon and Sausages Big Fry Up whilst Daddy gets a lie in. That in itself is a Father’s Day gift.

I don’t think #1, 2 and 3 will have any issue with delegation in their adult life. They are pretty adept at it now. But I thought it’s actually time that they take some responsibility for this amazing Father’s Day treat. I’ve seen what an eight year old can cook on Masterchef Junior. This year we had washing of mushrooms, half opening a can of beans and doing the toast. Plus setting the table. Next year we might have cooking of eggs and bacon. Sausages will require a more mature level of ‘Is it edible yet’ judgement to be safe.

I thought this was a Father’s Day breakfast any Dad would be proud of.

Apparently not. The presence of asparagus has caused consternation. Well, what can I say. How am I suppose to know the proper components of an English Fry Up when my Dad, Mr Li would only eat this if there was rice on the plate. And I think that is what made me laugh the most.

 

From now on, I’m going to make it my new tradition to include a rogue Father’s Day breakfast item in the mix. So I end today feeling a whole lot better than I started it.

Happy Father’s Day to all those we call Dad and will always love.

And it’s not yet Christmas

I am giving myself two days off to do nothing. NOTHING. Well, not quite nothing when #1, 2 and 3 are now on Christmas holidays. But nothing insofar as not having to remember anything on a school related to do list. Of course the Christmas to do list is still pending and I probably will be up very late on Sunday (hopefully not Monday) getting stuff done.

And I don’t quite know how it has happened. It’s not like I didn’t know Christmas was coming. But there does seem to be quite a common annual theme occurring here when I think about it. How the Christmas to do list is still to do-ing all the way right up until Christmas Eve and sometimes the early hours of Christmas Day itself! But how?

Well I’ve realised that whilst Christmas starts appearing in the shops among the Halloween stuff, it’s too early for me to want to do anything about it. But I do thoroughly love the anticipation of the full on festooning of Christmas all around us. And I think about it and start putting together a list of things I’d like to do or need to buy in my head and let ideas mature like you would your Christmas cake. And then just when I think it’s time to start putting Christmas action plans into place, my days are suddenly full of other stuff!

Way back in September, when children were waved off in shiny new school shoes to start a brand new academic year, you embrace that feeling of joyful relief that comes with knowing you have that bit of FREE TIME again. Used wisely, you can achieve any number of things. I don’t think I’ve used that time wisely. I haven’t done any of my household to do things that have been pending for over a year now. But that’s by the by.

So. We’re now five days to Christmas and I have presents unwrapped and food shopping left precariously at risk of having no sprouts to the side of the turkey. It’s never an intentional situation but quite worthy of repeating in an interview scenario as an example of how one works well to tight deadlines and under pressure.

How often do parents of younger children look at parents of older children and ask ‘does it get any easier?’ and the parents of older children look you straight in the eye and without a twitch of humour reply ‘no.’ But you secretly don’t believe them because how can it possibly not get any easier than right now! Easier maybe not. Different perhaps yes. Any less busy, definitely not.

Last week I had to write out several times the many different places I had to be for various in school and after school events and for which child. Swimming assessments, Victorian Christmas markets, dance shows, gymnastics, Christmas carol show, Christmas jumpers, Christmas parties. The dance show! Last year could be considered what some people may say as a parenting ‘fail.’ When your child has toiled over the course of 10 weeks learning a new skill. Overcoming nerves of performing in front of an audience of watchful parents. Putting their best moves out there to make parents proud. Only for said parent to arrive for the jazz hands finale. Ah, a memory that will stay with me forever. To be fair, it can’t have been a very long routine. Anyways, I’m happy to say that there was no such repeat this year. That would have been a proper fail.

Sometimes, it can feel like you haven’t achieved anything at all in a week. Being here and there for this and that. But I forget how lucky I am that I do have that opportunity to attend all this and remember how important it is to children that you do. But I am looking forward to taking the next two days off just to take a deep breath, slow down a bit so that we can all enjoy Christmas itself.

Where did that school year go？

The brand new shine of black patent leather shoes has long since been scuffed away. The pristine white of a school polo shirt has been washed out of shape, mottled with splodges of paint. Cardigans have buttons missing and jumpers are well, just missing.

It’s hard to imagine that we have reached the end of another academic year. Yet here we are about to start six weeks and two days of summer holidays. You could see that for many the 2.30pm bell today couldn’t come soon enough, with Teachers following swiftly on the heels of parents and children out of the school gates.

It doesn’t seem that long ago when I waved off #1, 2 and 3 off to their new Big School and wondered about the six hours I would have to while away. (Turns out that six hours isn’t really that long after all when you’re back to doing your own laundry and general keeping of home.)

It is a stressful decision choosing a school and especially when we chose a school without the benefit of paying a visit beforehand. We really were throwing them all into a new unknown. Especially after the gloss of a large international school overseas with all the facilities like an on site swimming pool and full size running track. These things do matter of course and it is a shame that their current primary school lacks the space of a sports field.

I know without doubt that all three have had a happy year at school. I don’t think any parent could ask for anything more at this stage. Sure, academic standing and sporting achievement is important but also is the well being and welfare of each child. Times have changed dramatically since my school days in the 80s. There’s a lot more out there competing for the attention of a child’s time than Maths and English. Indeed, even we as parents offer children a lot more extracurricular activity than just Brownies and Scouts.

But also not much has changed for children going to school. Maths and English is sort of the same but somehow long division is not a thing anymore. The complexities of playground friendships however, remains every child’s golden goal and parental heartache.

“What did you learn today?”

“What did you have for school lunch?”

“Who were your friends?”

These three questions form the basis of our short walk home after school. Most of the time they can’t remember what they’ve learnt but will speak quite enthusiastically about lunch, especially if ice cream or cake pudding is involved. The answers to the third one though, have on many occasion made me want to weep for them. Sometimes there have been minor fall outs and you figure that’s something they’re going to have to navigate themselves.

But sometimes, when you hear that your child went to lunchtime club by themselves without another buddy, your heart wonders why. Because no parent likes to imagine their child has not made a friend and we can not be there to help them. Of course we can’t be there engineering friendships we think our children should be making either. I have found that a lot of a child’s social circle evolves around school, unlike our days in Singapore where they had friends within the condo we lived in and also from the Expat community in general.

Everything is a lot more compact, a lot more local community in the town that we live in. And with that, and within the school, there seems to be a greater holistic approach to nurturing each child’s ability and emotional well being that I really like. I can’t remember with much significance whether my Reception year teacher gave out as many warm hugs and encouraging words. Perhaps she did and I just don’t recall. Perhaps #3 won’t recall how kind, caring and warm her Reception year teacher is. But I do and as a parent wondering whether you’ve made the right decision in sending your child to the right school, this is what you need to see.

As I look through all the school books that have come back with #1 and 2, I can also see how hard they’ve worked and how each piece of homework (a source of much weekend angst to be honest) is a reinforcement of what they’ve been learning in class. And I have been so impressed and grateful for how quickly it was noticed where a child has lacked strength in an area and how a support plan was put into place.

The children’s school was recently inspected by Ofsted and achieved Outstanding in every category. A well deserved recognition. And it’s also a school where the happiness and well being of the children who attend is at the heart of it.

At the end of this school year in a brand new school for all of us, I’m so glad and relieved over how well each child has thrived and the lovely friends they’ve made.

And I will be so glad to wave them off again back in September but first we’ve got a summer holiday to see to.

A family reunited

Hoorah! With less than 12 hours to go, I feel I can safely congratulate myself on getting through nine months of solo parenting. On less than 12 bottles of wine throughout that time. Give or take a gin, whiskey or two. You know what, I think I may crack open a bottle of wine tomorrow in celebration.

It is not just the end to solo parenting that I’m looking forward to. Parenting in itself will throw up the same challenges whether there is one parent or multiples parents around. I don’t think in that respect, anything that I’ve had to deal with has been any harder just because I have been on my own. Though I think what has been hard is that there has been no respite from it. No one to give you that time to recharge yourself for the next round and no one to share the load of just how unreasonable small people can be. No one else for me to say, ‘Can you please just tell them…’ in a way that would suggest another person will make any difference to the bickering going on.

It has definitely been an intense nine months of solo parenting. And yet, I feel thankful for it too. Of course there have been plenty of times I have felt like quietly disappearing to my room to escape them but I would not exchange my role for Husband’s. I can imagine the last nine months has been harder on him being apart from us. Watching from afar as we have struggled through extremely tough and turbulent times and not being able to be the support that he wants to be.  Equally being unable to join in all the new experiences that we have had and all the new friends that we have made whilst trying to fill too much free time.

But we have made it through, as I knew we would. Although at the very beginning, before the very beginning when Husband first said that most likely I would have to come back alone with #1, 2 and 3, I did fleetingly wonder how that would work. How can you split a family apart and make it work? And for how long can you do that for? I had discussions with other friends in similar situations and we all decided that up to a year was doable. Anything longer is not sustainable. But thankfully we won’t have to think about that.

As I reflect upon the last nine months, I feel in a bit of a daze that so much time has gone by and in particular all that we have been through. It hasn’t been as simple as moving back and settling into a new town with new friends to find and a new routine to establish. All this and a bereavement too. Being on my own meant that I had to get up and get going every day. To do otherwise was out of the question. And there were many times that another parent would have helped the day run much better. I can think of the moments I would rather forget but I am also amazed and proud that we did get through them.

So finally, I feel it is time to exhale and relax a little. For when Husband arrives tomorrow, we will no longer be counting the days we have until our family is split across two continents and different time zones again. I feel that we can now start ‘living’ our new life. That’s not to say that #1, 2 and 3 and I have not been living our new life. We have and we are doing it really well. But it has also felt like we have been living ‘on hold’ too if you get what I mean.

Just last week, we were walking through town and noticing all the different places we have yet to try out and with Husband’s pending arrival, we can now include him in our plans and that feels so much better. We can start thinking about all the places we can explore and take him to visit the places that we’ve already been to. We can start thinking like a family.

This evening, #1, 2 and 3 were so excited it took them a long time to fall asleep. They cannot wait to see their Daddy. It’s been almost four months since they last saw him. I know people say children are much more resilient than we think and they have handled all the changes with acceptance and an open mind. But I have not enjoyed wiping away their tears over missing their Daddy and for him to miss out on Birthdays and school performances and the joy of their company (when all is good) on a regular day. We have asked a lot of the children and I would not want to put them through this again.

When you need to do something and you think at first you haven’t got it in you, it all falls into place eventually. Taking each day as it comes, you discover quite unexpectedly one day just how far you have come and surprise yourself with how good that feels. I have been strong and resilient and also fallen into a crumpled heap during this time. I have forced myself to be brave when I wasn’t feeling it. Being the only grown up in a household is quite scary. You have to lead the way all the time and be expected to know what to do! I will appreciate the company of another grown up so that I’m not the only one making all the decisions and that includes what we’re having for dinner every night.

Tomorrow starts the beginning of another new adventure and no doubt we will need some time to adjust again. But this time, we begin as a family reunited and it’s time we got to be one again.

Double hoorah!

Mother’s Day with three

Last year, I wrote about what a lazy Mother’s Day I was having. Pah. I should have kept my mouth shut because this year the word lazy has not been part of it. It’s amazing to think how different my parenting role is now, compared to a year ago.

A mere 12 months ago, I was a working parent where I saw my children half an hour in the morning and sometimes as little as half an hour just before they went to bed. Hardly any time at all and I had live in home help taking care of the daily household chores. Whilst I always knew, I can confirm with myself now just how relatively easy I had it back then. Even though I was juggling many things at once, there was a big chunk of home life that was taken care of. Having home help always made me feel slightly fraudulent as a parent even though in Singapore it was the accepted. Support systems work differently in an economy where home help is affordable and it’s all relative to the environment you are living in. Most new Expats struggle with the concept of home help, especially when they’re not working but from my own experience, I would say take it. Even though it comes with challenges of its own, having the time it enables is a positive to put to good use. The present I’m in now is not infinitely much harder, the balance is just different.

To make up for lost time, I am with my children by myself Every Single Day. Bar the hours they spend at school. At weekends that’s a straight 42 hours. And I wonder why I feel like I need a nap come Monday morning.

When it became apparent that this move back to the UK would be led by myself for some time, it was definitely a daunting prospect. Not just because I was out of practice with all things UK but because, if I am honest, I was basically not used to having my own children to myself all the time.  No matter how involved you are, whether a working or non working parent, you always have that extra pair of hands so that you don’t have to do everything yourself. And sometimes, that extra pair of hands means that when things are going tantrum, whether from you or them, you always have that option of taking yourself or them out of the situation so that even though things may reach simmering, it never reaches boiling point.

And another luxury of home help, is Time. Whether that be for yourself and partner or for your children. When you don’t have to do the daily chores, you have so much more time for all the lovely stuff and homework. In my new parenting life, I miss the lull between finishing dinner to getting ready for bedtime. There is no lull now. From the moment the children finish school to until they’re asleep, it’s like I work through a checklist of Things That Must Be Done to conquer bedtime on time. I’ve never moved so fast and think I would be highly efficient on a factory production line. But with trying to be efficient, I’m constantly verbalising instructions because as is the want of young children they seem to take in one word of a sentence each time it’s repeated. Sometimes I can feel myself losing the will to be heard and just stop talking much to the relief of them and myself.

I’ve been various types of Mums. The Stay at Home Mum with home help, the Working Mum and now the Solo Parenting Mum. The Solo Parenting at times Shouty Harassed Mum for full disclosure. When I’m that Mum, it feels like my head is going to explode and expletives are going to shoot out like rainbows and stardust. Sometimes it also makes me want to crumple into a heap sobbing at how feral my three children appear to be. And it’s only by my own self imposed rule of not drinking alone that I’m not downing a case of wine each week. However, I have been known to offer parents who cross the threshold a glass around 3.30pm and it also counts if you’re having a chat with someone on the phone.

And whilst I can’t say which I preferred, I can say that in each reincarnation, there is always a degree of guilt. Guilty that I’m not contributing financially and having a lovely time going on play dates and having coffee. Guilty that I’m contributing financially but not going on play dates and having coffee. Guilty that I’m not contributing financially and not going on play dates and having coffee because I have laundry and cooking to do and everything becomes ‘Just one minute’.

At the very start, I was told that guilt will follow every parent wherever they go. The degree to which I feel that guilt varies day to day and can be about anything. With my newfound Solo Parenting experience, I miss the opportunity of spending time with each child on their own. I can see how important it is for each child to have their own time with a parent. They all want to be heard and because there is no other parent to go to, I often have all three talking to me at once. I have only recently started a ticket queuing system with them and putting them on hold so that at least only one conversation is going on at a time. #1, 2 and 3 are at an age where each has their own individual interests and the world is an exciting place that they’re exploring and each new discovery is so amazing that it has to be shared immediately.

But there is only one of me and whilst being able to multi task is one thing, I find it impossible to function with three conversations going on at once whilst trying to focus on the checklist of things that need to be done. It’s an absolute necessity to have to tell a child to wait and for them not be annoyed about it. But I often forget this as I react and respond immediately to what’s happening and then my brain gets frazzled and then it does not end very well. Then Guilt pays a visit. And there are days where I am the only one who seems interested in getting through the checklist of things that need to be done and #1, 2 and 3 don’t really seem to care at all. And I try and not care but I really want the checklist to bedtime to be done and feel upset that no one younger than me in this household seems to care and then it does not end very well.

It has not been all volcanic eruptions and chaos. On our own we have had some amazing times. Full of fun, smiles, wonder as we explore new places together. And being the only parent around, you get to have all the hugs, kisses and cuddles. I would not want to give that up for anything.

Of course, whilst Solo Parenting and being the rock to support three young children adapt to a new home, country, school life with no friends, I wasn’t expecting to lose a parent myself and that has had a profound effect on things. How have we all functioned during this time? I wish they didn’t have to experience this with me and I will always feel guilty that to have gone through such and upheaval they had this emotional maelstrom dumped on them too.

I know that #1, 2 and 3 have kept me moving through the day. No matter what I may have felt like doing or not doing in the days following our loss, there was no time to dwell on things or imagine a day spent in bed or in my pyjamas watching day time tv. Children need to be cared for and be places. This is where the routine of their day, helped to shape mine. I was also trying to comfort them and provide an understanding of an unfamiliar world whilst I myself was feeling such deep pain and sadness. I don’t know how they will remember this period and I wonder what memory they will have thinking back when Mummy was an incredibly sad and teary mess with no other grown up around them to make it better. But again, children are amazing and so resilient and accepting. I think they have a better understanding and empathy and that grief and sadness is how we express the loss of someone so important to us.  But I feel guilty that for ones so young, they felt it was their responsibility to try and ease some of my pain. As hard as I  have tried, there have been many moments in days where I haven’t been able to hide it from them.

I know that it’s ok to let them see Mummy or any grown up, being upset over something but some days I just didn’t want it to be seen as an unhappy day. There came a moment, where I felt incredibly sad that they were sad and I knew without doubt that this is not what my Dad would have wanted for any of us. And so I told them so. I told them that I know in our hearts we are sad but we are also allowed to feel happy about the good in each day and to feel this way would not mean that we missed the person we have lost any less. This was a relief for me too to realise that much of their day was like normal and they were having the same squabbles and getting angry over the same injustices like before and it was my reaction through grief and weariness that made it feel like it was so much bigger and hopeless than it actually was.

Thankfully, I hope we will soon be back to being a family of five living in the same country. I am looking forward to that in so many ways. Solo Parenting these past eight months has been tough and tiring but we’re also in a good rhythm now even if there are days I have a mini laundry mountain going on or every surface anywhere is occupied by bits of Lego or anything. Every situation is a matter of getting used to it, even if it’s not ideal. In this time, I have learnt a lot about myself as a parent and some parts I haven’t particularly liked and agree could certainly do better. More patience for a start. And whilst there are many times I miss working and getting involved with interesting conversations about anything outside of parenting, I do feel lucky to have had this time because I know it is so fleeting. And being so closely involved with #1, 2 and 3 has enabled me to see them deal with the challenges and flourish.

#1, 2 and 3 will never understand how much they have helped me through these recent months. The chaos can come from three different directions but so does the love. Children are great healers without even knowing it with their ability to talk unconsciously about things that make many adults shy away, children confront things head on. And the outpouring of love they have for you as their parent, well we all know what love can do. Their keenness to try and make you smile, the empathy they have that surpasses many adults. And their lovely, warm hugs and kisses. Without which, every day would feel that little bit less lovely.

#1, 2 and 3 have already done more than enough to make today happy and I was so touched when #3 was adamant that she was to buy me a beautiful card and Lindt chocolate bunny out of her own money instead of spending it on herself. I know you know this, but #1, 2 and 3, you are all amazing.

This Mother’s Day I got to spend the day with my Mum and my wonderful cousin and that’s what I really needed. I realised as I headed back home that these two women have done this before me. Not just being parents but parenting through challenges far greater than this. No matter how much responsibility I have or how well I am handling it, I feel instantly much more able to cope when among those who have been parents far longer than I have. Their support and sense of calm anchors me during times of great upheaval as they know what it’s all about and things will pass.

Happy Mother’s Day and much love to my three children.