2018 Year End Reflections

Wow, it’s New Year’s Eve again. I seem to have lost track of those days between Christmas and New Year and it feels like New Year’s Eve has just sprung out in front of me. Once a big occasion in the social calendar, now I wonder whether I’ll make it up past midnight and how soon after is it acceptable to go to bed. Which is quite odd seeing as on a regular day, I’m frequently up past midnight trying to squeeze in a bit of Grown Up time after the children have gone to bed and relish all that is peaceful and quiet.

So how has this year been for you? I hope 2018 has brought some great times for you to take into 2019. A new year, a fresh start. It’s always good to have that. The opportunity to have a chat with yourself about all the things you would like to do.

Truth be told, I haven’t done half the things that I thought I might do. Like downsize stuff and maintain a tidy home. Still a lot of stuff around in unwieldy heaps here and there. I haven’t properly looked at returning to Gainful Employment either. It’s a juggling act that I haven’t quite felt ready for and among the needing to be here and there, I wonder where Gainful Employment would fit in. I imagine it will fit in, I just haven’t had the capacity to think about it yet.

This year was perhaps always about getting through it. So soon after the passing of my Dad, Mr Li and the solo parenting situation for nine months. I should allow myself that I have had a lot of other things on my mind. But at the start, I guess I had to give myself a list of other things to think of. Tasks to complete. Goals to achieve. I miss my Dad, Mr Li every day but I have to concede that today I can live alongside it better than a year ago. Though it was very hard to imagine that would ever be so. I don’t cry every day like I did for the first three months but it still doesn’t take much.

I’d like to think that in every year, you will find something good to take with you into the next one, even if you have had some of the most challenging of times. I suppose I started thinking this way back in January as I desperately needed to look out for something good to take from each day that would help provide a bit of peace in my heart.

It was a particularly bracing first winter to come back to but with it came real snow that fell from the sky and not packed from a machine like what the children had been exposed to in Snow City. Quite lucky considering there hadn’t been a heavy snowfall like this for the past four years or so. The fresh winds and crunch of boots along pathways as I went on many a solitary walk helped me manage my grief. That feeling of deep loss and sadness in my heart would abate a little with each step. And I found that when you look for it, you will see that there is plenty to feel a bit cheerier about. Perhaps not in the same way as you would like but lighter of spirit all the same. If I couldn’t see something good in each day then what else could I fill this empty void with. I hadn’t seen snowdrops and crocuses dot the landscape with colour for over a decade. How they sprung back again after being covered in snow and flattened by sledgers. You have got to marvel at the resilience of nature. And even at your own resilience.

I’m not sure how I got through the start of this year. I still feel emotional thinking about it.  It wasn’t just me who was in this great period of change and upheaval. It was not the start to this new life that we had in mind for the children but they too are incredibly resilient. So you keep on moving as they help you keep moving. And it’s too hard to see their worry and sadness and so you keep paving the way to see the good things of our new life. They have been a great comfort and support and one thing I’m looking forward to for next year is that we are all moving forward together as a complete family.

Whilst I may have been quietly preoccupied with my own thoughts, loss and ‘what ifs’, I think I have still managed to seize a great many opportunities too.  As I look back upon the year, it brings a smile to recall that I have seen a great number of friends in my new home town, in theirs and even overseas to new places. I’ve reconnected with an old friend of over 30 years that I hadn’t seen for almost 15 years and found that our ability to step into conversation hasn’t changed. I feel completely blessed to have seen so many familiar faces this year who have gone out of their way to catch up during a time where I could not have appreciated their love and support more.

And I have at least achieved some of the things on my to do list. The decluttering can wait. Back in March I took my first knitting lesson and since then I’ve been bobble hat knitting for quite a few people whether they need a new hat or not. There is definitely something rewarding with creating something yourself. I was inspired by the creations I’d seen a good friend made. They were these gorgeous blankets she’d made for her children. A true labour of love. And what’s not to love about weaving a ball of wool into something else. It’s been wholly satisfying. As has my other new love of jam making. Boiling fruit and sugar together into dainty pots of deliciousness. You’ve probably been on the receiving end of that too. And then I wonder why the Dentist asks me if I have a high sugar diet…

As bracing as the first winter has been, summer could practically be described as tropical. There is so much beautiful countryside around us that it is hard to wish to be anywhere else. Even when it’s grey and drizzly, you know that there will be sunnier days ahead. So when I am asked how are we settling into our new home town, I can honestly say we have settled in with great aplomb.

The last few months has been a whirlwind of activity as is the norm with three young children of school age. I’m a bit more prepared than I was last year and I’m a lot better supported by a local network of new friends who aren’t just the parents of children from school. I have been fortunate with the people I have met and who have been kind enough to reach out and listen and help.

It’s funny to think that a decade ago, I thought that my social networks were more or less likely to stay as they were back then. And perhaps they would have done if we hadn’t moved abroad. Life is enriched by the friendships you make and even by the friendships that fall by the wayside for reasons known only to them.

As I end this year reflecting on all that 2018 has brought our way, it is yet another trying year that has brought deep sadness and tears but also laughter and joy too. There have great highs with family unions and news that we will meet more new additions in 2019. In our hearts we may feel a shadow of sadness that is ours alone but all this wonderful news lifts us up and willingly along.

I probably will have the same sort of to do list for 2019 as I did ending last year. But I think that’s perfectly ok because there will always be stuff to do. And there is always stuff you can find to do that is infinitely more fun.

So, tonight we’re off to celebrate New Year’s Eve with other Grown Ups too, albeit with the children in tow. However you may be celebrating, I wish you peace, happiness and good health for the new year ahead. Embrace it with an open mind and see what fresh hope it brings.

Christmas is Love

Yesterday I was in a shop that I go to quite regularly and we were having the usual kind of pre-Christmas exchange. Was I all set for Christmas Day. How excited were the children.

The children have been building up to Christmas Day for a good 6 weeks. That is a lot of excitement and no great wonder that they are all exhausted. As are the Grown Ups I’m sure.

I certainly will be looking forward to a lie in tomorrow morning with no thought of heading to a supermarket. I think I have enough food to last until New Year’s Day. I’ve never once had to plan and strategise ahead for the Christmas Day Big Food Shop but this year I found myself wondering exactly when should one plan to take on this seemingly dreaded task. I’ve never had to spend much time thinking about it before in the Tropics. The most concern I had was whether there would be Brussel sprouts in the most Expat supermarket there was.

And it seems over here that can also be of concern. Plan your Christmas Day Big Food Shop too late and you are seriously at risk of having no sprouts to the side of your turkey. And I totally wouldn’t have believed it was a thing until I ventured to the nearest big supermarket on Saturday at 8am and then again on Christmas Eve at 8am to find that Christmas produce had almost all vacated the building! It is fair to say that it was a wise move on my part to stockpile three bags of salted caramel pretzels a few weeks ago. It’s a long time to go between February and October without them. And I don’t understand why at no other time of the year they do those mini cocktail crackers, so handy for packing in the children’s snack bags. I have stockpiled a few boxes of those too.

Christmas is stressful and busy. Perhaps in the midst of it all, you may stop and wonder why go to all that effort, expense and trouble. Maybe’s next year should be pared back and lower key. Especially in the days before when you, the children and people standing in endless queues are quite simply, grouchy and tired. I know that feeling too.

But as I stood chatting to this lady yesterday, she recounted a story about her nephew who many years ago questioned what is Christmas supposed to be all about. Besides the arrival of the baby Jesus. The answer he got was Christmas is about love.

And today I really felt what that means. Sometimes children and Christmas can be a lot about the presents. This year though and like last year, whilst presents have been a big thing still for the children, so has the absence of loved ones. Something that we cannot change. It does not shape our day but it’s still there. We have laughter and joy but we wish others were a part of it too.

Christmas Day does not have to be big and perfect. There will be the usual mishaps and squabbles. But Christmas Day should be a little bit magical, a little extra effort. Just to say that for the love of this family, I’d like to do this, because being able to do this is what makes it special for me too.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a peaceful evening. x

And it’s not yet Christmas

I am giving myself two days off to do nothing. NOTHING. Well, not quite nothing when #1, 2 and 3 are now on Christmas holidays. But nothing insofar as not having to remember anything on a school related to do list. Of course the Christmas to do list is still pending and I probably will be up very late on Sunday (hopefully not Monday) getting stuff done.

And I don’t quite know how it has happened. It’s not like I didn’t know Christmas was coming. But there does seem to be quite a common annual theme occurring here when I think about it. How the Christmas to do list is still to do-ing all the way right up until Christmas Eve and sometimes the early hours of Christmas Day itself! But how?

Well I’ve realised that whilst Christmas starts appearing in the shops among the Halloween stuff, it’s too early for me to want to do anything about it. But I do thoroughly love the anticipation of the full on festooning of Christmas all around us. And I think about it and start putting together a list of things I’d like to do or need to buy in my head and let ideas mature like you would your Christmas cake. And then just when I think it’s time to start putting Christmas action plans into place, my days are suddenly full of other stuff!

Way back in September, when children were waved off in shiny new school shoes to start a brand new academic year, you embrace that feeling of joyful relief that comes with knowing you have that bit of FREE TIME again. Used wisely, you can achieve any number of things. I don’t think I’ve used that time wisely. I haven’t done any of my household to do things that have been pending for over a year now. But that’s by the by.

So. We’re now five days to Christmas and I have presents unwrapped and food shopping left precariously at risk of having no sprouts to the side of the turkey. It’s never an intentional situation but quite worthy of repeating in an interview scenario as an example of how one works well to tight deadlines and under pressure.

How often do parents of younger children look at parents of older children and ask ‘does it get any easier?’ and the parents of older children look you straight in the eye and without a twitch of humour reply ‘no.’ But you secretly don’t believe them because how can it possibly not get any easier than right now! Easier maybe not. Different perhaps yes. Any less busy, definitely not.

Last week I had to write out several times the many different places I had to be for various in school and after school events and for which child. Swimming assessments, Victorian Christmas markets, dance shows, gymnastics, Christmas carol show, Christmas jumpers, Christmas parties. The dance show! Last year could be considered what some people may say as a parenting ‘fail.’ When your child has toiled over the course of 10 weeks learning a new skill. Overcoming nerves of performing in front of an audience of watchful parents. Putting their best moves out there to make parents proud. Only for said parent to arrive for the jazz hands finale. Ah, a memory that will stay with me forever. To be fair, it can’t have been a very long routine. Anyways, I’m happy to say that there was no such repeat this year. That would have been a proper fail.

Sometimes, it can feel like you haven’t achieved anything at all in a week. Being here and there for this and that. But I forget how lucky I am that I do have that opportunity to attend all this and remember how important it is to children that you do. But I am looking forward to taking the next two days off just to take a deep breath, slow down a bit so that we can all enjoy Christmas itself.