The here and now and a bit of way back then

I relived my journey to 40 and found there's so much more to say

The world according to #1 – Eggs and Farts

on May 27, 2015

We are a household with small people aged six, four and two.

What do they find absolutely hilarious? All manner of natural bodily functions. The Booming Fart. The Belch. The Long Drawn Out Squeaky Fart. The Belch on Demand. The louder the better.

Have I ever mentioned #2 and 3 are Champions at belching on demand. This is not something I have specifically imparted on them. They are, if I may sing the praises of my own children, geniuses in the field. Though we have not yet entered them into any Belching on Demand tournaments, I’m pretty confident they would get a podium place.

#2 has been belching on demand since she was just over two years old and must have been secretly training up #3 who has been able to do since she was 20 months old. So confident and comfortable are they with this talent that they like to showcase it at every inopportune moment.

Just when members of the public are looking on approvingly in a rare moment of peace and tranquility amongst the five of us, out of nowhere there’s an ‘Eeugh’ followed by an ‘Aeuch’ followed by a mini series combo hit of the two. If there’s anything that makes people be at a loss for words, it’s when there’s belching in their general direction.

What can you possibly say? Good work dear, you just need to project with greater force from your diaphragm. Open up the airways a bit more. Yep, that achieves a deeper resonation. Well done.

Actually I don’t say anything. But it does make me laugh. And that is encouragement enough.

Perhaps if I hadn’t laughed and told them it’s rude to do so then perhaps we could have avoided the scene at Sister in Law’s wedding last November. During the serious exchange of vows moment, #3 in all her flower girl finery decides to bring forward the wedding reception entertainment by launching into a round of impromptu Belching on Demand. Quickly supported by her sister. Well done #2 and 3.

So this is just to give you an idea of the sort of future world movers and shakers we are raising.

But all is not lost when I consider the logic of #1. #1 is not a fan of the boiled egg. The boiled egg as a breakfast item has been relegated to Sunday mornings when #1 is off playing rugby. Sunday morning breakfast in his absence is the domain of the boiled egg and toast soldiers. Whether real or imagined, in the presence of the boiled egg, #1 displays behaviour of severe dry retching.

This is in itself is not an example of behaviour peculiar to #1. The aroma of the boiled egg is often related to the Silent but Deadly Fart. An emission of gaseous fumes that directly links to an outpouring of rage from those people in close vicinity.

And so it happened that during the familiar and calming bedtime ritual of reading stories together before they all fall into an angelic slumber. #2, full of rage, ‘Who has just done a smelly fart? Who? Who did it? I feel sick. I really feel sick. My face is melting. It’s disgusting. Yeeeeeuuuugghh’.

To which #1 rather reasonably replies, ‘But you should love the smell of farts. Eggs smell like farts. And you love eggs. So you must love the smell of farts’.




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